Taylor

For reference throughout this review, I played the Scarlet version. Not that it makes too much of an impact but I think I'm fair in saying that if you played Violet you’re a Communist who hates America and punches babies and voted for Jill Stein.

Time has begun slipping away at a rate I am officially uncomfortable with. Seems like just yesterday the hype for Sword and Shield was building, and now that generation has come and gone and here we are with yet ANOTHER entry to the series. Getting old, am I right guys? (Loud booing) Pokemon Scarlet and Violet, set in the exotic locale of uh, Spain, promises a brand new and fresh look into the world of Pokemon in Game Freaks second iteration on the Switch. Looking to build off the Switches improved resources, they decided to double dip into the “Open World” concept, sprinkling in some lessons learned from Arceus and boy howdy, it’s a concept.

Right off the bat, I’ll address the Phanpy in the room. If you thought Sword and Shield ran poorly, then buckle up. I’m a snob for graphics. I'm sorry I just am I know, God ,the worst but it is what it is. Personally the most jarring and off putting things have been the pisspoor LOD in all of its 5 polygon glory and the, literal, 5 FPS background animations of NPCs just outside render distance. It’s bad, it really is folks. And it doesn’t stop there. Texture quality across the board is subpar, even compared to Sword/Shield and Arceus. Lighting bugs and wonky shadows really round out the crap show that is the graphics.

Gameplay wise, it’s a whole other story. Its a Pokemon game, you know what you're getting, but Arceus definitely taught Gamefreak some lessons, as the entire game now is open world, Pokemon roam freely, and for me the most important bit, no forced trainer fights. Embarrassing to admit, but trainers in Sword kicked my ass. Is it me getting old? Do I just suck? I don’t know, but I was getting dookie chuted time and time again when I went up against 9 year old little Mary Sue with her Pokemon bending me over for a spanking. Tough scene! Items are collected throughout the overworld as in all games and the design is fairly linear to begin with, but from what I understand later on it becomes anything but. Functionally Terastallization feels no different than Mega Evolutions, and serves essentially the same function. At least it looks cool.

Story, well, there’s a story, but for me it’s mostly overshadowed by the stalker mamacita “rival” of the series Nemona who serves as your constant tour guide and potential future rabbit boiler. (That’s a Fatal Attraction reference for the Zoomers reading. It’s a good movie. Don’t stick your dick in crazy.) The “Team” bad guys are back, this time as a constant background gang instead of a group of simps for a 10 year old girl. The game revolves initially around some Harry Potter ass stuff as you find yourself enrolled in a prestigious Pokemon trainer school and then go on to, I don’t know, probably break up organized crime and fight God. I haven’t played the entire game but I’ve got a 50% chance of one of those being right.

Finally, and yes this deserves its own paragraph because I’m an A E S T H E T I C S chad: My PRIMARY complaint, as stupid as it is, comes down to the lack of customization. Whether we realized it or not, the last two entries on the Switch spoiled us with how much we could change our characters appearance from physical to clothes and accessory, and while the salons remain as do accessory stores, you are stuck for the entirety of the game with your school outfit. I realize the game is based around the school, yes. Yes I realize you can technically change the outfit into one of its 4 seasonal forms, but it’s not the same dammit. I play these games as glorified dress up simulators, OK? Take that away and what do I have left? A 50 hour game about catching Pokemon, training them during our adventures in which we meet and befriend a quirky cast of characters that we will grow to love and remember fondly for years to come? Lame!

So what’s the final verdict? It’s not a bad game, but it is a bad Pokemon game. Far and away the weakest of the mainline entries, and even among the spinoffs it’s down there pretty far. The Switch can only be blamed for so much of the shortcomings here. Plenty of other games like Xenoblade and even Arceus managed to squeeze a lot out of the little console, but Scarlet and Violet seemed to be barely trying, scrapping by purely on hype and name recognition. And to be fair, a lot of these problems can be solved with patches and DLC, but it shouldn’t have to come down to that, not from a franchise like this. If you love Pokemon, then you’ll love this despite its quirks and failures, but if you were hoping for a great new innovation or a groundbreaking entry from this timeless series, you might have to wait a little longer